re: talking to the universe...

believe it or not, this is actually waht i woke up to on that day in august (and i have said before that since its me, instead of screaming like a girl, i thought it would be good memories to just film it :-p).............
looks like summer was coming to a close for the ants to decide that the princesses should be set free from the nest...............
(when i showed this footage to my little brother he asked me 'what did you do this time???', the cheek of it!!! as if i caused everything to happen!!!)

when the reason for staying is weak and outweighed by the reason to go, i guess there really is no other choice but to go............. but i guess leaving your home to start a new life faces more hardships than returning to home ............... but i am also guessing leaving home is more adventurous and would create alot of memories........................ ('what are your reasons for staying', 'what is it that keeps you there', 'what excuses are you using to stop yourself from moving forward'???)

august was a perculiar month...............
rain rain and more rain...................
a sanguin moon..............
followed by frogs and cats and snails???....................
and then the departure of a good friend ( when i write 'departure' i don't mean she died!!! she just went back home to japan!!!..................... if you happen to read this, i won't forget you, we had some 'insane' times in london and that week in edinburgh will be something that i will never forget, honto!!! hope you liked all those 'leaving-remember-me' presents too and one day i will go to japan!!! honto!!! (okay maybe i should learn some japanese first though???)................... )

of course i am disheartened to see ppl leave, but in the back of my mind, i know that 'its never goodbye' since there are always chances to meet up again at some point before you die....................
i don't know why but when there is a unhappy event, i have reluctance to cry or to seem sad anymore...............
its not good because it appears as if i don't care when really i do (sometimes)...............
even if i feel like crying, and i know that it would be appropriate to show such emotions., i won't..........
i think that its just a 'defence mechanism'.......... to carry an image of strength and to never reveal my true feelings.......................
(i have alot of defence mechanisms that make it seem as if i really am worthy of the 'ice queen' title??? maybe i cried too much when i was little to make me not cry when i am older???)

ppl always compliment me on being 'a strong confident person', but thats only because i think i have to be, i don't know why but i automatically assume that i have to be like that for other ppls sake...................... and i will continue to behave like that when i am in front of someone...........................
alone, i know that i am completely different...............
usually i will just shed tears by myself and keep whats on my mind to myself.............................
sometimes i wish that i had someone like me that i could go to to talk with and someone who could console me with confidence................. but i don't................. and never had or will have so i just have to make-do with how i have coped so far.........................
(why am i sharing this with the world???............... and no, don't sit there feeling sorry for me, i don't need pity and i will seek help if i ever reach the point of a 'mental break-down'!!!................. but if you want to do something then you could give me a banana.... or maybe a whole bunch of them!!! :-p)

and to close the subject on 'crying', i really don't think crying is a sign of weakness , its just i lack the ability to do this when its appropriate..................

(a few days later after writing and revising this blogg...................)

chotto mate!!!
dear god!!! i have just remembered what happened in august that makes me contemplate that maybe it was me that caused everything to happen???
on the advice of a friend (have no idea why i listen to him :-p), he told me:

"When you have time, I want you to go outside and speak to the Universe. Tell the Universe in a confident and strong voice (you're not shouting, although if you feel like it'll help, by all means), tell the Universe, "I will know exactly what to do with my life in a year." Or something like that.
Then the hard, although strangely automatic, process of finding out what you want-- trying new things, diving into interests, etc. etc.
And then when you figured out what you want, you can tell the Universe exactly what you will do.
This process is very helpful. (...........) exists because someone stated what they wanted out of the Universe-- somewhat as a joke, but it still worked"

at first i thought he was being crazy and was making fun of me, but for some reason i followed his advice............
and this is why so many strange things are occuring!!! because at the end of my talk with the universe i said 'so universe, give me some signs that you have actually been listening to me???'...................
why o why did i say that???
and every single time there is a so-called 'sign' i always think its just a coincidence and await for another sign???
(i really do have to start thinking before i speak to the universe again???)
seriously i am just going through a mad stage and all of this is just a coincidence right??? i mean its not possible to will things to happen??? right???

in any case, it was a great relief to tell 'something' about my goals and apsirations and i highly recommend this 'ritual' to anyone, especially if like me, you just need to tell 'something' about something....................... (if weird shitte happens to you, just don't blame it on me, i am only passing a good word of advice!!!)

(chotto mate again!!! i also swear that 'purification period' in june also had something to do with the strange events that happened??? i need a break from all the 'spiritual enriching ceremonies'.............???)