a reason to go back...

the alarms go off one after the other..............
its 4:45am in the morning..................
but i had been awake half an hour earlier just to check over my luggage and to be certain that i had my cameras and memory cards.................. (and to make sure i stole items of clothing so that i would need to return them one day :-p)

the taxi soon arrives to carry me down to the train station...................
i have a train booked for 6am..................
its an early train..............
too early, but i booked it because i wanted to see norway in the light as i travel through it to go 'home' again................

tack sa mycket oskar for coming down to the station with me............ i really really appreciated it!!!! and it felt like a proper way to leave, to be sent off on a train by the host........................ and hope that you managed to get some more sleep before going to work that day!!!! really though, arigato!!!! och tack!!!!

yesterday was a memorable last day.........................
in the morning, i went bus hopping and took a small hike around the neighbouring area................
i had alot of things to think about and just wanted to walk around by myself since this is the only way that i can clear my head ......................
i didn't even take a camera with me...................
so you can guess, i was probably being too melodramatic and serious......................
i didn't really know where i was going for this small walk and just decided that i would get off the bus wherever the view looked good from the window...............................
on recommmendation of the bus driver, he suggested that if i wasn't sure where i was riding then i should get a 'day ticket' since it would be cheaper and it would allow me travel on any bus for the whole day................................
we started to approach a partially dense area with some woodlands and lakes and hills, so i rang the bell.....................
the bus driver asks whether i am sure i want to get off here and i said yes..................
he points out to me that the nearest stop is a ten minute walk on the other side of the road......................
i thank him and then descend off the public transport vehicle................................

i am very certain that i trespassed onto private property when i was walking around............
i know this because i had to climb over a fence at one stage and because it did look like a private abode............ but i figured, these ppl will never see me again and if they do start chasing me then i can always pretend to be a stupid tourist (you know there are alot of times that i am grateful for my asian genes............. pretending to be from asia has its advantages!!!!) ........................
now i know that i am a rude and inconsiderate person but i wouldn't usually go onto closed off land, its just that that area looked particularly refreshing to venture around so i took a chance.................
and no one came to disturb me so i am guessing that the owner didn't see me or they just didn't care (of both i say thank god!!!)......................

there was a fallen tree along my way and i interpreted it to be a seating placement for me to just rest, and look around, and to just daydream.....................................
squibbs of light cascade onto my lonesome self and i close my eyes to sense tho warmth of the rays................ a moment to cherish.............. sitting outside for no reason at all but to recollect and progress in conscience................. and to just soak up the last few hours of knowing solitude and silence in beautiful scenery ......................

what was i thinking about???
"trams"................. (swedish for 'silly little things')
at times i wondered 'what am i doing here'................. here as in norway and also 'here' as in this world.........................
along with every other human on this earth, i question 'existence' and i want a rationality to 'what is our purpose' and 'does it all matter'.......................................... are we really all actors fufilling a role or do we govern the choices that we make???
then i say to myself 'i hope i never come into power to pass judgment onto ppl' which is complete irrelevance........................
then i ponder on if i really do want to teach english in another country, and if so, who would my students be??? children or businessmen or women or just ppl that want to learn ..................
then i think 'why did i prefer to avoid ppl and to be by myself a few years back'........................ i know that it was not because i was striving to become independent and responsible............... but because, its was easier................................ as silly as it sounds, i was given the advice that if you want to help someone then you need to first help yourself..................... but don't think i am a saint now............. i still have problems to sort out, but luckily they are not as extreme as other ppls issues............................... and i find that coming into contact with other ppls lives is one form of 'therapy' in helping myself............................. the so-called 'self-enlightenment by tending to others need'..................... some may say that its all pretentious, that you get a false satisfaction by helping someone else, BUT i feel that benefits can be drawn from the situation because you learn something about yourself, as in what abilities you have and also, sometimes, 'circumstances need an outsider to help rectify the matter'..............................

then i begin to think 'fook!!! what is the time and how the hell do i get back!!!'.......... the engineers are supposed to get off work early so i wanted to get back and shower beforehand..................... :-p (i was also thinking if there were any bananas at home too but bananas are usually on my mind, hungry or not :-p)

no one was back at he flat yet................
so i head quickly to the shower.................

they were supposed to be home early on tuesday but their meeting carried on till about 5pm.................
but i had no complaints since it meant they could come home early on my last day :-p
we catch a bus down to the city, me proudly using that day card......................
i was left to wander the city alone for a bit since someone needed to go check out a flat and we decided on a rendevous point of 5:15pm at the 'domkirke'.......................
it was 5:30pm and that someone was no where to be seen..............................
he said he would call if it would take longer and i was a bit annoyed because i thought i was forgotten .................
he arrived shortly and explained that he couldn't call me...........
which was true because he called me on the spot to prove the point..................
i had ran out of credit earlier that day so i guess that was the reason................. (damn you vodafone!!!)

the first port of call was to get some nutrition down our throats, so we meander the streets until we come towards the chinese restaurant that gives you a 'meal deal' until 6pm....................
the layout of the restaurant struck me when i entered............
in the centre is a rather large fish pond with lots of different sized koh-carp, i have never seen a restaurant like that before ......................
it was not a very big restaurant, and i couldn't help but think that if they got rid of the fishes then they could put more tables in, but then i thought it might be the very fact that there is the water feature that entices the customers to eat there (that and the price of the food) .......................
or maybe its there because of superstition.....................
for in asian cultures, koh-carp are an emblem for 'luck' and have significance towards 'wealth' & 'prosperity' ..............................
the waitress ushers over to our table, i stare at the menu and decide to have 'szechuan fish'.................
before the food arives we discuss oskars viewing of his new flat......................
he had decided that he would take it..................
a quick decision since it was the only flat that he had viewed........................

on our way out from dinner (tack for mat oskar!!!) i oogle the carps one last time...............
in some ways i find their lives so simple and fulfilled................
swimming around all day and night, eating and shitting and eating and shitting.....................
BUT then i am reminded of how unfulfilled it is by how little freedom they have................
confined within a microcosm that is restricted by the four walls.............
to reach a certain point and then to have to turn back because thats as far as they are permitted, a monotanous way of survival, not living.....................
do fishes really only have a short memory span??? i am sure i read somewhere that some types of fish can actually remember a lot longer than 6 seconds.......................
i look again and draw a comparison of the carps to ppl.......................
how some ppl choose to carry out their lives like 'fishes in a bowl'......................
do we actually give away certain freedoms and rights when we assume subordinace to government as according to the 'social contract' ......................
and which freedsoms or rights do those entail???
to allow all freedom would mean chaos in a anarchy world but no freedom would be a mindless totalitarian existence.......................
i think back to our dinner conversation about north korea............................
now thats a state that i know i would not be able to live in.....................
did the ppl have any choice to how they lived their lives, were they born and then just accepted that way of living because it is the only way they have been exposed to???
no thought.................. no conscience............... no expression...................
to even think or speak out against the 'ideal regime' would mean your sudden disappearence.............
but maybe it will be worth it for 'all it takes is one persons life to change the course of history', for one voice is enough to signal the start of a revolution ................
but will the uprising actually better the lives of ppl that know no better???

a second later....................
i say to myself 'why the fook are you philosophising over fish???, they are going to end up on the menu one day.................. i guess they should have stayed 'under the sea' like that song from the little mermaid' ................. (come on everyone knows that song!!!! with ariel and sebastian the crab............ :-p)

before heading home, we go for a walk of the city.............
we come across the 'valberg turret'.........................
a large poster of 'amnesty international' is draped along the side..................
that juxtapostioning of 'a building for warfare' and 'a symbol for peace' amused me..............
i was wondering if that was intentional, that maybe it was trying to symbolise 'protection in times of needs' ...................... whether it was protection from arms or protection by the power of words.....................
i don't know.................
i sit on the wall and admire the view of stavanger.......................
below my feet ants are scurrying around....................
i turn to oskar and say 'it might rain soon'................
he looks confused and sarcastically replies 'because ants only come out when it rains???'...........
i then try to explain that ants can sense moisture in the air, and when legions of ants come out around the colony, its usually because they are reinforcing the nest against flashfloods caused by the rain............... its what i was taught anyway and also looking at the sky, it was full of some dark clouds too...........................................

we decide to catch the bus back, waving to every bus that passed our way, since none of us can see (yes, i know i should wear my glasses but i don't want my muscles to become too relaxed and so reliant on them :-p).................

the taxi pulls into the station......
its 5:15am..................
the ground has moist dew from last nights rain..............
my train is already there but i don't board it yet.....................
i stay a while and we walk around the lake for one last time.....................
its gets close to 6 and even though i don't want to go, i know i have to....................
on the train, the air is thick with misty fog, but it made the view much more appealing................
it was as if i was looking at a living 'chinese brush art' painting, with clear hills in the foreground and faint mountain shadows lurking behind........................... the colours were all neutral but complementary ..................... too beautiful to describe with words............................... such a view can only really be told through the eyes, never to be recounted again, for as a 'living painting', it changes with the passing of time........................................................

so what is my reason to go back then???
hmmmmmm........................
remember that darwin award that i am after.................
well, i have come to the conclusion that my reaon to go back is to hike to the top of prekistolen or the boltrock, since we didn't manage it this time round.........
and then when i do make it to the top, my next course of action is to take alot of 'last moment eulogy pictures' before i finally "lose the will to live"....................

yep i am going to do a 'lemmings act' (although lemmings aren't suicidal, thats just the false impression given by that computer game)......................
:-p
...........................
we shall see if i am joking......................
and yeah after being so serious in this blog you have to allow me a moment of being silly................ maybe it was a good thing that we didn't make it to prekistolen this time round since i might well have had that urge to go beyond playing 'chicken'..................... :-p

the end...............
(and thank you to the lady in red who got me that seat near the window so i could get that view and for riding with me to drammen.................... i hope you had a relaxing weekend with your friend making stencils!!!!!)

for more photos of stavanger go to:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=9101&l=7c184&id=517037261

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