quake quake...

we had an earthquake today???
wot the fook???

i never thought this would happen...
of all the places i would have expected to experience an earthquke...
england was not one of them...
especially not at home in my room in cambridge...

it was just wierd...
the house started vibrating for a bit, but i just presumed it was a big lorry driving past or something along those lines (although when i did look out the window there was no lorry around???)...

i wonder what other strange things will entertain me???...

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closure...

"stage6" is shutting down!!!
why???
i think i am going to cry now...
let the download frenzy commence!!!

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ごめんね。。。

ごめんね世界。。。
ごめんなさい。。。

i was once told that, "water from a river is always refreshing for the body because its constantly on the move, and therefore has no time to stand still and become stagnant"...

i didn't really understand what this meant when i was younger because i didn't know what 'stagnant' meant ( i was also an A-level english literature&language student at that time, so god knows how i got a B, especially when i turned up to one exam with a hangover... i am not joking here!!!); but more importantly what i didn't realise was that, this person was actually using a metaphor to describe people's lives...

i guess what she wanted to tell me was, if i let myself fall into a routine of broading over 'things' too much, then i would essentially be building myself a dam, inhibiting the flow of pursuing the next stage in my journey, and ultimately stopping me from knowing how my life will be... (or maybe she really was just referring to the water's quality, and i am just reading too deep into her message???)...

either way, it's useful information to know...

hmm...
i'll probably sound very unstable for writing this but i'll write it anyway...
for these past couple of months i had allowed myself to become 'stale'...
or more accurately, i became bored of life...
so allowed myself to spiral into that dangerous trap of questioning the whole point of 'existence'...
at one stage, i was so consummed with the idea of 'becoming nothing', that i gave up on the concept of 'creating memories' and ceased all communication with everyone and anyone...

thinking in a fatalistic way is very dangerous...
its dangerous for the person that thinks that way and its also dangerous to the ppl that care about that person that thinks that way...

i no longer have that thought on my mind anymore...
because the realisation is that, whereas someone else has a better life than me, i too will have a more fortunate life than another, and it wouldn't be fair to waste my life on becoming 'stagnant water'...

my approach to life has always been to embrace what it has to throw at me, to make the most out of the cruel situations i am thrust upon, because life is fair in giving you a balance with unexpected happy moments too...
i should and will not from here on forth forget that...
and so i make an apology to the world when i am sometimes affected by 'self-created-negatism'...


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terrified of dying alone, but also terrified of letting someone into my life...

apparently being '27 and single' carries with it alot of stigma... thank you!!!
some ppl find the status 'not in a relationship' hard to comprehend...
however, i am pretty much used to it...

i mean, if i wanted a boyfriend then its not that difficult for me to get one...
BUT, i don't want to have a boyfriend just for the sake of having one...
i would rather be alone than pretend to be happy with someone that i had no real feelings towards...
even if it means being 'single' for the rest of my life :-p...
(you just don't know how many times i have had to write this!!! its not as bad as it sounds, i mean i can still have friends and pets for company :-p...)

but seriously... i am not really looking for anyone... however, it's also true to say that it's not like i am avoiding to be with someone???... (that sentence was just a contradiction in itself...), its just that, i am complicated... (krapp excuse i know!!!)... i think the only person that i could really live with, would have to be a 'clone' of myself... when i say clone i don't mean a biologically engineered cell-for-cell duplicate; what i mean is, sort of my 'twin-star', someone who is similar to me in personality and thought process and tastes, but equally different as well to avoid a tedious relationship... (hope that made sense???)... maybe i am just asking for too much, and what i should be doing is giving ppl a chance to show me how wonderful they are... i mean its like like i have much to offer myself...

by natural instinct, there is an urge to seek out 'life-long companionship', since ppl do want to be surrounded by the warmth that other ppl emit... however, getting too close to such things scares me... i get frightened by the uncertainty of 'how long will this warmth be with me' and then i think, if its something that i will come to miss, then it would be better if i didn't go through the process altogether... i am a person that can not stand the feeling of 'loss' afterall and if possible i would like to avoid causing pain to another and especially to myself...

i think one of the biggest problems i have in being with ppl is that i grow 'sentimentally attached' to them too easily... so much so, that sometimes i will place them before myself... its not something that i particularly enjoy nor do i want to foresee myself planning my entire life around... so in the end i will find myself ending things because i realise its the 'wrong-expectation' i had... i have never really had anyone significant with me and now that i am an adult i just think there's no reason for me to start, because there is no real benefit for both of us and i have coped so far without... i am also guessing thats why i am anti-social and have an unwillingness to meet ppl for the purpose of forming a 'mutual-partnership'...

i honestly don't like the feeling that i have no one to share memories with or talk to about confidential concerns, but at the same time, i also don't like the fact that i leave myself on reliance to another and open to vulnerability...
its quite a selfish depressing blunt statement to write...
however, its the truth...

hmm...
i sound like i would make a really fantastic girlfriend don't i??? :-p
for now, visions of marriage are far far far away in another dimension accessible only via a blackhole in the outter regions of the astro-belt...

there is nothing wrong with being 'single'...
it allows us 'singles' to think more about our own 'wants' afterall, and being the 'prime example' i have nothing to complain about since i have nothing to compare it with...
also...
another factor that i need to consider before i embark on 'relationships' is my 'situation' and my 'circumstance'...
currrently neither are looking too prosperous, so it adds as another prevention for seeking out a 'sole mate'...
basically i don't think i could offer much to a relationship if i am not capable of looking after myself first and foremost... :-p


愛いしてるい言ないよ。。。
不可能です。。。

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if...

if the world was 'destroyed', i wouldn't really care much...
and no, this is not me speaking satirically or in a negative way...
i am simply embracing a truth...
and when i say 'destroy the world', i don't mean complete obliteration of planet earth, but am talking more about the extermination of portions of the 'opposing' population...
therefore it's not really 'destroy' in the complete sense, but more 'destroy to make way for a new era of change'... (now i sound like a hitler-mao-darth vader devotee??? at least i am cute :-p)

basically if ppl want to go ahead and 'destroy the world as we know it', then its fine by me, "BUT"... only if they have an alternative plan in place that is significantly more beneficial than how the world already functions... and only then, would i agree to such condtions of annihilation!!! (hell if their manifesto was something that i would aim for, then i would even help out in achieving that goal!!! (hitler+mao+vader+timmy = 'hiaodemy'))

i mean, the 'moulding of humanity' can simply be compared to that of a 'contruction-project'...
buildings are demolished, and new buildings are put in to replace, and after a certain period of time no one will remember what was there before or question why such a change took place...
in other words, 'absolute-acceptance' has been instilled...

its not like its something new for us to think of, since it has happened before, and when i say before i mean before our very own history...
i am of course talking about the extinction of the dinosaurs that carved a path for the beginning & survival of the mammal species...
but, bringing us up to date, our very own timeline has seen this happen countless times over through 'warfare', where civilisations were conquered, and ultimately 'destroyed over time' by the integration of the victor's overruling cultural influences of customs and language and religion...

england itself is a living diagram of this, and would not have been what is is today if not for the roman empire, marauding vikings, french conquest and so forth...
if you don't believe me then you should examine the 'english language' itself...
i am pretty certain that you will find plenty of evidence to support such an accusation...
i mean, 'english language roots', are actually founded from an amalgamation of latinate terms, greek derivations, romanic-germanic borrowings, french synonyms and norse influences (rune alphabet during the anglo saxon times)...

another good example is to ask 'who is a pure american???', because speaking fact-based, america didn't exist until the latter end of the 1400's... and most americans, that we recognise today, are either the generations of ppl born from the 'first immigrant settlers' or ppl that are born on the soil of the land titled 'america'... on the subject of america, i have to also make you think about 'south america', and how cortez's spanish conquest not only changed the 'mother-tongue' of the inhabitants but also destroyed their entire way of life and nearly all the people (i.e. religious sacrifices were forbidden and foreign disease that they had no anti-bodies to fight against...)

and one last illustration to look at, would be, the success of emperor (..........) whose blood filled wars ensured that the 7 kingdoms were merged into one mighty country known as the 'middle-kingdom' ('zhong-guo' or 'china' to those that don't speak chinese :-p)...

okay, there was a point to that brief history lesson...
and the point is...
'we don't think about it anymore'...
as in, we don't ask the question, 'what would the world be like if so&so took place or if so&so didn't take place'...
(you're thinking about it now right??? :-p)

so, what i am trying to get at is, although 'changes' will take place in our time; and as a whole we become frustrasted by them, since everyone is always resilient to 'differences from how it has always been', it is still a 'change' that will only greatly affect 'the ppl of today'... and honestly speaking, if the 'generations to come' are just like us, they too 'will not think about how events in the past have shaped their future', and will also just 'accept' whatever has been documented in the history books...

whatever happens, happens, and as human beings we just have to learn to adapt to it as best we can...

its a terrible thing to write but its the truth...

for the ppl that are living in the 'birth of a new era', i understand it will all be daunting and frightening and no words could ever be words of comfort, because there is the constant worry of 'if such a change is for the better' or 'if such a change is for the worse'; and though i cannot see or predict mankinds future, the only thing that i can write is, 'whether or not a change is good or bad, depends entirely on how the victors 'alternative way of life' has stood the test of time, and how it will be thought of by the people that live in the world of tomorrow'...

so, for all those ppl that want to 'destroy the world as we know it'... go ahead
you seem to think there is something wrong with it, and obviously have the passion to rectify the issue, so you should be allowed your chance to convince others over to your ideology...

as for me, i will just keep doing what i do without a care in the world...

(hmm... after such a philosophical piece i would just like to add that i am not in the running for world domination in a political sense... if i was to take over the world then i would use more fun methods to coerce ppl into 'being that change for the future'... how you are wondering??? just wait and see, i promise it will be an enjoyable experience for both you and me :-p...)

(and lastly for ppl living in europe, think of what the 'european union' means... and you don't realise it but changes take place too, just little by little so that they go unnoticed...)

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to snip or not to snip...

hmmm... as you all can see, i have very long blackish brownish purplish reddish hair (thats its natural colour... no seriously!!!) and am debating whether or not to cut it all off...

when i say 'cut it all off', i mean i will go for a elven-crop that will make me look like a very cute-boy...

it won't be the first time that i have had it so short, but because i have had long hair for so long, i kinda feel i will miss it and there is always the regret of 'it will take a fooking long time to grow back again!!!'...

but...
thinking about it logically even if i do get it cut, its just 'keritein' (a product from amino-acids) therefore it will grow back eventually so i don't have to worry...

this is incredibly hard to decide and incredibly vain of me...

i guess i can sleep on it...

the idea of me cutting off all my hair seems horrifying to some ppl, and usually when women do this it is seen as an act of 'self awareness' or 'moving on in life'???...
whatever other ppls reason may be, mine is simply a pining for some drastic change...
i have always kept to one particular look because i don't like 'inconsistancy'...
however, i admire 'change' because it is one way whereby you can 'evolve yourself' by trying out different things...
even if i don't cut off all my hair i guess i can play around with other different styles...

being cute and adorable and sweet is hard sometimes, and no matter what i do i will always be constant with those traits... :-p

hmm... i don't know if anyone has read 'blade of the immortal', but when i think of getting my hair cut off, i always think back to the book about the female assassin, who in her first encounter with manjin loses in a fight... she later remembers her mother telling her to choose between living the 'life of a woman of pleasure' or to 'live her life by the way of the sword', she then cuts off her hair and only then do you see her true potential as a fighter... she was a very interesting character to me... her background was that she was a naturally talented swordswoman who was more skilled then most men, but she had to grow up denying her capabilities because she was berated for having them just because she was female... by cutting off her hair in that brief scene moment, she finally accepted to not run away or hide from who she was and it was only then that she could fight with such fiery...

pointless thought...

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which came first...

which came first???
did evil exist first whereby kindness was born out of it, or did good exist first whereby malice was conceived; or did they both co-exist together???

for example, was the principle 'equality' created because there is 'inequality' in the world...
if that is the case, then if everyone was equal, then 'inequality' wouldn't be something that we know...
so arguably, it is precisely because 'inequality' exisit in society that has given rise to the battle for the establishment of 'equality'...

therefore 'inequality' has an important role for 'equality'...

and paradoxically, you can question whether or not ppl should be 'equal', because unification means 'monotony of one standard' would prevail and ppl would want to strive for recognition of 'diversity or individuality'...

but i guess it also depends on which context you use the terms...

also, if you look at it from a biblical point of view, evil only existed in the world after god created man; since it was precisely because of his favouritsm of the creature made in his own image, that lucifer harboured the feelings 'jealousy' that persuaded him to bring about man's exile from eden...

did that make any sense to anyone???
didn't think so...

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