terrified of dying alone, but also terrified of letting someone into my life...

apparently being '27 and single' carries with it alot of stigma... thank you!!!
some ppl find the status 'not in a relationship' hard to comprehend...
however, i am pretty much used to it...

i mean, if i wanted a boyfriend then its not that difficult for me to get one...
BUT, i don't want to have a boyfriend just for the sake of having one...
i would rather be alone than pretend to be happy with someone that i had no real feelings towards...
even if it means being 'single' for the rest of my life :-p...
(you just don't know how many times i have had to write this!!! its not as bad as it sounds, i mean i can still have friends and pets for company :-p...)

but seriously... i am not really looking for anyone... however, it's also true to say that it's not like i am avoiding to be with someone???... (that sentence was just a contradiction in itself...), its just that, i am complicated... (krapp excuse i know!!!)... i think the only person that i could really live with, would have to be a 'clone' of myself... when i say clone i don't mean a biologically engineered cell-for-cell duplicate; what i mean is, sort of my 'twin-star', someone who is similar to me in personality and thought process and tastes, but equally different as well to avoid a tedious relationship... (hope that made sense???)... maybe i am just asking for too much, and what i should be doing is giving ppl a chance to show me how wonderful they are... i mean its like like i have much to offer myself...

by natural instinct, there is an urge to seek out 'life-long companionship', since ppl do want to be surrounded by the warmth that other ppl emit... however, getting too close to such things scares me... i get frightened by the uncertainty of 'how long will this warmth be with me' and then i think, if its something that i will come to miss, then it would be better if i didn't go through the process altogether... i am a person that can not stand the feeling of 'loss' afterall and if possible i would like to avoid causing pain to another and especially to myself...

i think one of the biggest problems i have in being with ppl is that i grow 'sentimentally attached' to them too easily... so much so, that sometimes i will place them before myself... its not something that i particularly enjoy nor do i want to foresee myself planning my entire life around... so in the end i will find myself ending things because i realise its the 'wrong-expectation' i had... i have never really had anyone significant with me and now that i am an adult i just think there's no reason for me to start, because there is no real benefit for both of us and i have coped so far without... i am also guessing thats why i am anti-social and have an unwillingness to meet ppl for the purpose of forming a 'mutual-partnership'...

i honestly don't like the feeling that i have no one to share memories with or talk to about confidential concerns, but at the same time, i also don't like the fact that i leave myself on reliance to another and open to vulnerability...
its quite a selfish depressing blunt statement to write...
however, its the truth...

hmm...
i sound like i would make a really fantastic girlfriend don't i??? :-p
for now, visions of marriage are far far far away in another dimension accessible only via a blackhole in the outter regions of the astro-belt...

there is nothing wrong with being 'single'...
it allows us 'singles' to think more about our own 'wants' afterall, and being the 'prime example' i have nothing to complain about since i have nothing to compare it with...
also...
another factor that i need to consider before i embark on 'relationships' is my 'situation' and my 'circumstance'...
currrently neither are looking too prosperous, so it adds as another prevention for seeking out a 'sole mate'...
basically i don't think i could offer much to a relationship if i am not capable of looking after myself first and foremost... :-p


愛いしてるい言ないよ。。。
不可能です。。。

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